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NO    PLAYS  EXCHANGED. 


BAKER'S  COITION 
or 


Second  Floor,  Spoopendyke 


WALTER  ItTBTWnR  &CQ. 

BO.3TOIS 


3B£»   -^-^KT^ 


COPYRIGHT,    1889,   BY    WALTER    H.    BAKER    &   CO, 


NEW  OPERETTAS  FOR  CHILDREN. 


EDITH'S  DREAM;.! 

^n  ©pcrctta  for  Cijtltjtm 

Words  by  MARGARET  FEZANDIE  and  EDGAR  MORETTE.   i 
Music  by  EUGENE  FEZANDIE,  Jr.  i 


Eleven  characters,  girls  and  boys,  or  all  girls,  as  preferred  ;  ten  or  more  addi- 
tional lor  chorus.  Scenery  unnecessary;  costumes,  pretty  and  fanciful,  but 
easily  arranged  at  home.-  This  admirable  little  piece  is  printed  complete  with 
music.  It  is  very  tuneful  and  gracefully  imagined,  and  is  strongly  recommended 
for  private  theatricals  or  for  schools.  It  is  particularly  well  suited  for  the  latter 
use,  as  it  deals  whimsically  with  the  question  of  youthful  study,  inculcating, 
however,  an  excellent  mpral*  . 


Price 


35  cents. 


ODD  OPERASSEVENTIDR I 

A  Collection  of  Short  and  Simple  Musical 
Entertainments  for  Children. 


By  MRS.  G.  N.  BORDMAN. 


This  collection  provides  a  simple  operetta,  a  fairy  opera;  a  picturesque  motion 
song,  a  quaint  musical  pantomime,  a  'pretty  .musical  sketch, -and  two  original 
humorous  recitations  for  children,,  complete,  with  all.the  music,  and  full  instruc- 
tions for  performance.  The  music  is  tuneful  and  simple,  and  is  specially  written 
with  the  tastes  and  limitations  of  children  in  view.  The  solos  are  easily  learned 
and  sung,  and  all  the  choruses  are  written  for  voices  in  unison;  The  collection 
is  strongly  recommended  for  its  simplicity  and  perfect  practicability.  ^Neither, 
stage  nor  scenery  is  demanded,  nor  any  other  requirements  that  cannot  be  met 
without  trouble  by  the  equipment  of  the  ordinary  hall  or  church  vestry,  and  the 
zeal  of  the  most  economical  committee  of  arrangements. 

Price        .        .        .        .        .        5O  cents. 

CONTENTS. 


A  Glimpse  of  the    Brownies.     A 

Musical  Sketch  for  Children.  ..Any 
number  of  boys. 

Market  Day.  An  Operetta  for  Young 
IVnple.  Seven  speaking  parts  and 
chorus. 

Queen   Flora's  Bay  Dream.      An 

~  Operetta  for  Children.  Six  speak- 
ing parts  and  chorus. 


The    Boating:    Party.      A    Musical 

Sketch  for  Little  Children.    Thirty 

boys  and  girls. 
Six    Little    Grandmas.     A    Musical 

Pantomime  for  very  Little  Children. 

Six  very  little  girls. 
Jimmy  Crow.     A  Recitation   for  a 

Little  Girl. 

A  Hoi>se  In  the  Moon.     A  Recita- 
tion for  a  Child. 


SECOND  FLOOR,  SPOOPENDYKE 


JFarce  in 


BY 


GRACE  LIVINGSTON  [FURNISS 

AUTHOR    OF    "A    BOX    OF    MONKEYS,"    "THE    CORNER-LOT    CHORUS,"    ETC 


BOSTON 


CHARACTERS. 


ARTIE  BRUCE,   Tessie's  fiancee,  who  may  lose  his  train,  but  never  his  nerve. 

BIGLER  JIMPSON,  who  forgets  to  bring  his  nerve,  but  is  a  good  fellow  just  the 
same. 

COL.  THOMAS  OUINCY  GINTY,  -who"  shoots  first,  explains  afterwards." 

TYRONE  HERBERT,  leading  man  at  the  "Melpomene"  and  delight  ofthe"Mati- 
nee  Girt." 

JENKS,  janitor  of  "  The  Spoopendyke." 

TESSIE  GINTY,  -very  much  engaged  to  Artie,  and  deathly  afraid  of  "Papa" 

DODO  MCLAREN,  leading  lady  at  the  "Melpomene"     Has  a  short  memory,  but 
is  a  warm  friend. 

SARAH,  her  maid,  equally  struck  -with  the  stage,  Tyrone  Herbert,  and  herself. 


Costumes  modern  and  appropriate. 


COPYRIGHT,   1892,  BY  WALTER  H.  BAKER  &  Co. 


All  Rights  Reserved. 

F.    5u 


to 


' 
SECOND   FLOOR,   SPOOPENDYKE 


ACT  I. 
SCENE.  —  Dining-room  of  Miss    DODO    MCLAREN'S,  apartment 


in  "  The  Sp^pendyke^  Murray  Hill.     Fireplace  J    2<r/  E.     Zz- 
brary  door  &»  4^/2  E.     Parlor  door  C.  E.     Closet  door*^^$th  E. 
V/dtf-a/lfc  2^/E.     ..50/tf  L.  front.     Tables,  centre,  spread  for 
f/i.--  dwhirs  m  cb$i-..  of  table.    Buffet  with  decanters,  etc.,  R. 
c.  entrance.     Chair  L.  #/  c.  entrance.     Bric-a-brac,  flowers, 
etc.     Fire  burning  on  hearth. 

(As  curtain  rises,  SARAH  enters  c.,  carrying  small  trayfwhich 
she  places  on  table.) 

SARAH.  I  just  wish  Miss  McLaren  would  be  on  time  for  once. 
But  that's  the  worst  of  living  with  a  real  actress  :  just  you  be  crazy 
to  get  out,  and  that's  the  day  they  takes  to  rehearse.  (Goes  to  win- 
dow.) Drat  her!  (Crosses  to  mantel.)  It  seems  like  I  couldn't 
wait  to  see  Tyrone's  face  when  he  finds  out  I  am  the  "  Francie,'1 
who  is  to  meet  him  at  the  stage  door  to-day.  (Taking  up  pictures.) 
Tyrone  Herbert!  What  a  lovely  name!  And  what  —  oh,  what  a 
elegant  actor  !  Here  he  is  as  Romeo  ;  and  Claude  Duval  ;  and 
Mavvprat,  and  here  he  is  in  his  dear  dress  suit."  (Laving  down  pic- 
tures ;  clutches  her  heart.)  Something  here  tells  me  he  returns  my 
love.  He  ain't  the  first  that's  come  to  see  the  mistress  and  fell  in 
love  with  the  maid.  Last  night,  when  he  fetched  Miss  McLaren 
home,  I  says,  "Ain't  you  cold,  Mr.  Herbert  ?  ;1  And  he  says  —  just 
as  tender  —  •'  I'm  never  cold,  Sarah  ;'"  and  give  me,  oh,  such  a  look  ! 
And  to-day  he'll  find  I'm  "Francie."  I'm  going  to  call  myself 
Francie  Montmorency,  when  I'm  af  actress.  And  all  the  signs  is 
good,  too  — 

(DoDO  enters  c.  ;  stands  laughing.") 

SARAH.  Last  night  I  dreamed  of  riding  a  coal-black  horse  — 
that's  victory.  And  the  night  before  I  dreamed  I  was  riding  a 
whale  — 

DODO  (coming  down).     I  hope  that  means  lunch  is  ready,  Sarah. 

SARAH.  Law!  How  you  did  startle  me,  ma'am.  Yes,  Miss 
McLaren,  lunch  is  ready.  (Takes  up  tray.) 

DODO  (at  fireplace).     Any  calls,  Sarah  ? 

SARAH.     No,  ma'am,  not  exactly  calls  — 

DODO.     Bills  ? 

SARAH.     No  :  worse  yet.     A  reporter. 

3 


M359537 


/<  t  fo  **v  U, 


/ECOMD    FI£OR,    SPOOPENDJV/CE. 

'TtrftJUf  **V    o^flxyfLxA. 

DODO.     Yuu  did  not  let  the  wretch  in  ? 

SARAH.  Let  him  in  !  Law,  ma'am,  he  pushed  by  me,  and  be- 
fore I  could  get  my  breath  he'd  made  a  sketch  of  the  flat.  And, 
says  he,  u  Tell  Miss  McLaren  I'll  call  this  afternoon  for  a  interview." 

DODO.  Impertinent !  However,  I  will  not  be  interviewed  by 
any  reporter  :  male  or  female,  daily  or  weekly.  The  public  has  no 
concern  with  my  private  life. 

SARAH.     Of  course  they  ain't. 

DODO.  And  if  you  admit  one  of  these  wretches,  you  lose  your 
place.  (Sits  R.  of  table ;  opens  letter} 

SARAH.  But  how  can  I  tell  them  from  ladies  and  gentlemen, 
ma'am  ?  w.  I 

DODO^  By  their  boots.  Bring  in  lunch.  (Bell  rtngs.}  I  can- 
not see  any  one.  I  must  rest  before  the  matin^e^  ^^"-  .  _— 

SARAH,     Very  well,  ma'am.     (Exit  c.)y 

DODO  (glancing  over  letter).  What  ^itf  abolninable  "scrawl ! 
Why  don't  some  one  teach  girls  to  write  ? 

(SARAH  re-enters  c.,  giggling} 

DODO.     Well  ? 

SARAH.     It's  Mr.  Tyrone  Herbert,  ma'am. 

DODO.     Show  him  in  here,  an^set  another  place. 

SARAH.     Yes,  ma'am.     (E.xit^iggling}On'^\l\< 

DODO  (dropping  letter  on  table).  I  really  cannot  make  out  any- 
thing, except  that  I  have  a  loving  friend  na,mfed  Tessie  Ginty,  who 
is  coming  here.  <r**>-*.  -  '^-^w 

(TYRONE  enters  c.,  followed  by  SARAH.) 

TYRONE.     Sorry  to  interruption,  Dodo,  but  I  am  —  that  is  —  er 
-  (Looks  expressively  at  SARAH.) 

DODO.     Sarah,  leave  the  room,  and  serve  lunch  at  once. 
SARAH.     Yes,  ma^'am.^  (Puts  J\a^icL  on  heart;    winks  at  TY- 


RONE  ;  exit  C.)  r         , 

TYRONE.  I  safyl,  Dodo,  isn'r  that  girl  a  little  oit  wrong  here? 
(  Taps  forehead.} 

DODO.     What  makes  you  thirtk  so  ? 

TYRONE.  Because  she  is  continually  rolling  her  eyes  and  wink- 
ing at  me. 

.    (SARAH  appears  with  lunch.} 

DODO.  I  will  watch.  (Eyes  SARAH  earnestly  as  she  places 
lunch  on  table,  while  TYRONE  stands  watching  down  L.  front, 
with  glass  in  eye.} 

SARAH  (aside).  Whatever  are  they  staring  at  ?  (Goes  up  stage; 
turns  at  door  ;  winks  at  TYRONE  ;  exit.}Q*.  *4?1r  jf. 

DODO.  '  She  must  be  crazy!     (Rises.}  '  * 

TYRONE.  No  matter.  (Crosses  to  table}  I  am  in  a  fearful  fix, 
and  you  must  help  me.  I  —  I  — 

DODO.     Go  on,  Tyrone. 


-O*       ?•***>• 


4  %^>^*>-  ,  - 

cr 

A 

'  SECOND  FLOOR,  SPOOPENDYKE.  5    ^ 

TYRONE.  O  Dodo!'  won't  it  be  no  end  jolly  when  you  and  I 
are  married,  and  every  one  knows  we  are  married,  and  the  matinee 
girl  ceases  from  troubling  ? 

DODO.  Oh,  it  is  girls  again  !  Poor  Tyrone  !  Come,  tell  me  all 
about  it  over  our  lunch  .^  (Sifs.) 

TYRONE.  I  can't  eaj^  Too  nervous.  Read  that.  (Hands  her 
letter.)  The  doorkeeper  handed  me  that  when  I  left  you  at  the 
theatre.  (Puts  hands  in  pockets  ;  walks  about.} 

DODO  (smelling  note).  Pachoulli.  Bah!  a  schoolgirl.  Do  sit 
down.  Don't  prowl,  Tyrone.  /H^j  Q  tUjfa,  f~  *6t*»  <t4  AK/MA 

TYRONE.     Must.    £asLLjais.  «ysd3aad»laa-,  Dodo  ?  ^) 

DODO.     Certainly.     (Reading.) 

TYRONE.     Glad   you   like   it. 

r'ftw  nTiftiTfi7  '  returns  to  table     s  . 

DODO  (reading).  "DEAR  MRT  TYRONE  HERBERT,  —  I've  ad- 
mired your  acting  so  often  at  the  theatre  that  I  must  tell  you  how 
I  worship  your  genius.  I  think  you  are  heavenly  in  all  your 


parts  —  "     She  lays  it  on  with  a  trowel. 

TYRONE.     Isn't  it  awful  ?     aMa^l  smokDodo  ? 


^ 
okj^ 

DODO.  Of  course.  (Reads.)  "  I  arrrsure  you  have  a  noble, 
manly  heart  —  " 

TYRONE.     Fancy  !     (Lights  cigarette.} 

DODO  (reading).  "  And  will  help  me  to  get  on  the  stage,  for  I 
want  to  be  an  actress.  So  I've  run  away  from  home  and  will  meet 
you  at  the  stage-door  after  the  matinee  to-day.  Do  not  fail  me,  as 
you  are  the  only  friend  I  have  in  New  York. 

"  Devotedly  yours,  FRANCIE." 

Francie  who  ? 

TYRONE.     Haven't  the  faintest  idea  who  the  poor  little  beggar  is. 

DODO.     She  must  be  very  young. 

TYRONE.  I  imagine  so  ;  and  she  has  left  her  home.  What  am 
I  to  do  ?  (Rises.) 

DODO.     Tell  her  to  go  back. 

TYRONE.  And  have  her  make  a  scene  in  the  street  !  (Goes 
behind  DODO.)  I  say,  Dodo,  you  take  the  romantic  little  idiot  in 
hand. 

DODO.     I  ? 

TYRONE  (leaning  over  her  chair).  Yes,  darling!  Let  me  send 
her  'ere,  and  you  tell  her  what  a  fool  she  is.  Women  put  these 
•tilings  so  much  better  than  men. 

DODO.     They  are  more  convincing  from  men. 

TYRONE  (kissing  he?').  Dodo,  do  not  desert  your  wretched 
Jiance. 

DODO.  We'll  compromise.  You  send  Francie  here,  and  tell 
her  the  truth  yourself.  She  would  think  I  was  jealous. 

TYRONE.  That's  a  dear  girl.  Anything  but  a  scene  at  the 
theatre.  I'll  leave  a  note  with  the  doorkeeper,  directing  her  to 
come  here  ;  and  when  I  see  her  I  shall  be^just  about  as  candid  as, 
a  man  can  be. 


DODO.     Poor  Francie! 

TYRONE.  She  deserves  a  lesson.  Thank  you  ever  so  much, 
Dodo.  I'll  see  you  at  the  theatre. 

DODO.     But  you  haven't  eaten  any  lunch. 

TYRONE.  I  can't  eat  until  I've  settled  this  absurd  business. 
Good-by  •'  (Kisses  her ;  exit  c.)  *&f  f\i 

DODO.  How  flattered  Francie  woular>e  if  she  could  see  his 
agony.  (Props  letter  on  glass  in  front  of  her.)  Now,  for  my 
schoolgirl.  (Eats  as  she  reads.)  "Do  you  remember  the  old 
blue  cow  ?  "  Blue  cow  !  Nonsense  !  (Glances  over  note ;  rises ; 
drops  it  on  table.)  I've  no  time  to  waste  over  such  a  scrawl.  A 
dear  old  friend  of  mine  is  coming  here  sometime  to  tell  me  some- 
thing, and  wants  me  to  remember  lots  of  things  which  I  don't.  » 

(SARAH  enters  c.) 

SARAH.     Quarter  to  one,  and  the  cab  is  come,  ma'am. 

DODO.  I  am  ready.  (Goes  to  door.)  When  my  new  wig  comes, 
Sarah,  brush  it  out  cajtfujly ;  and  have  dinner  readv  by  half-past 
five.  (Exit  c XrjftK^  A**A  fe  ^  t^+rtt  L3.  *Jit++A. 

SARAH.  Yes,f«na'am  !  Oh,  certainly,  ma'am!  and  why  not, 
ma'am?  (Bows  mockingly.)  Because  by  half-past  five  Tyrone 
will  know  I  am  Francie,  and  I  won't  be  here  to  cook  no  dinner.  I 
do  wonder  what  he'll  say  first?  (Takes  cards  front  pocket ;  sits  on 
sofa  ;  shuffles  tliem  ;  shuts  eyes.)  I  wish  Mr.  Tyrone  Herbert  will 
ask  me  to  marry  him  this  afternoon.  I  do,  do!  (Opens  eyes, 
picks  out  seven  cards,  lays  tJietn  on  lap.)  I  get  my  wish  sur- 
rounded by^ nS%tfS"f?  (Bell  rings)  Drat  that  bell !  (Jumps  up, 
runs  out  f^  re-etifers^'carrying  7^U-^£fe^  Miss  McLaren's  wig. 
(Opens  box;  takes  out  &^w^£/?Jy^Ain't  that  lovely !  (Bel^ 
rings.)  Drat  that  bell !  (Runs  ^ouffieaving  wig  on  table.)  fU^ 

TESSIE  (outside).     I  tell  you  I  must  see  Miss  McLaren.  /*    v    40 

SARAH  (outside).     You  can't ! 
(Both  enter  C.;  TESSIE  carries  two  bags,  jnarfs  hat  and  top  coat.) 

TESSIE.     You  are  excessively  impertinent. 

SARAH.  You  can't  work  the  high  and  mighty  game  on  me 
Miss  McLaren  ain't  going  to  be  bothered  with  any  more  of  youi 
sort. 

TESSIE  (coming  down).     My  sort ! 

SARAH.     Yes;  reporters  and  such. 

TESSIE.     I  am  not  a  reporter.     The  idea  ! 

SARAH.     It's  no  use  lying. 

TESSIE.     How  dare  you  be  so  insolent !     (Sits  on  sofa.) 

SARAH.     You  can't  sit  there. 

(DODO  enters  c.) 

TESSIE.     I  shall  wait  to  see  Miss  McLaren. 
DODO.     Sarah,  what  is  all  this  ?     (Cotnes  down.) 
SARAH.     A  reporter^  ma'am. 
DODO.     Oh  !   well,  I  will  not  be  interviewed. 


SECOND  FLOOR,  SPOOPENDYKE.  / 

TESSIE  (rising).  I  don't  want  to  interview  you.  Didn't  you 
get  my  note  ?  O  Dodo,  don't  you  remember  me  ? 

DODO.  Perfectly,  perfectly  !  (Einbraces^her ^  aside.)  Who  is 
she  ?  (; 

SARAH.     She's  kissing  a  reporter. 

TESSIE.     You're  not  changed  a  bit/only  pret 

DODO.     So  are  you —  (aside)     Who  is  she  ? 

TESSIE.     I  was  so  afraid  you  wouldn't  get  my  note,  darling. 

DODO.     Note  !     Oh,  where  did  I  put  it  ?     (Hunts  on  table) 

TESSIE.  Never  mind  the  stupid  thing.  Let  me  tell  you  all  about 
It. 

DODO.  Oh,  yes,  you  must.  (Finds  letter  j  reads  signature} 
My  dear  Tessie,  I  am  wild  to  hear  all  about  er  —  it.  Come  !  (Sits 
on  sofa.) 

TESSIE  (sitting  by  her).     It's  so  romantic! 

DODO.     I  adore  romances. 

(SARAH  enters^  hands  DODO  parcel.) 

SARAH.     From  Huyler's  ;  and  it's  one  o'clock,  ma'am. 

DODO  (opening  box).     No  matter. 

SARAH.     You'll  be  late  for  the  matine"e. 

DODO.     Leave  the  room. 

SARAH.     Yes,  ma'am.     (Aside.)     She'll  never  go  !    (ExitQ, 

DODO  (offering  TESSIE  candy).     Now,  darling,  be  brief,  for  I 
due  at  the  matinee.         "33o^o   lnp<cA-4  ^^    <^'^-UA^t[S 

TESSIE.  *  I  will.  (Eats  as  she  talks.)  You  remember  Artie 
Bruce,  at  school  in  Louisville,  don't  you  ? 

(Both  girls  eat  candy  steadily  diiring  scene.) 

DODO.    ^Perfectly  ;  he  was  a  blond,  pale  boy. 

TESSIE.  No,  no !  He  had  red  hair,  brown  eyes,  and  a  box  of 
worms  in  his  pocket. 

DODO.  So  he  did.  And  we  —  you  and  I  —  went  to  school  to- 
gether, didn't  we? 

TESSIE.     Dodo,  you  dorft  remember  me. 

DODO.  Yes,  I  do.  You  are  —  (consults  letter)  Tessie  Ginty 
from  Louisville.  Go  on,  darling. 

TESSIE.  Well,  when  papa  and  I  came  to  Boston  this  winter,  I 
joined  a  Browning  Club — such  fun  !  and  the  first  person  I  met  there 
was  Artie  Bruce,  grown  up,  with  auburn  hair  and  mustache,  and 
such  melting  eyes  !  Um!  (Cl&ses  eyes  ;  takcs-~large  bite  of 'candy.) 

DODO.     I  see.     And  you  loved  eacli  other  ? 

TESSIE.  Madly  —  at  first  sight — and  to-day  we  eloped  on  the 
seven  A.M.  from  Boston.  Um!  (Same  business.) 

'DoDO.     Eloped  !     Does  your  cruel  father  object  ? 

TESSIE.  I  don't  know.  He  has  never  seen  Artie.  But  he 
thinks  1  am  too  young  to  marry,  and  we  couldn't  wait,  you  know. 

DODO.     And  where  is  Artie  ? 

TESSIE  (tragically ;  rising).      That  is  the  horrible,  awful  part. 


8  SECOND  FLOOR,  SPOOPENDYKE. 

He  got  off  at  Hartford  to  buy  some  sandwiches  and  —  and  got  left. 
Isn't  it  fearful  ?     So  —  so  absurd  ! 

DODO.     Oli,  no  :  not  absurd. 

TESSIE.  Yes,  Absurd.  And  I've  got  his  bag,  and  his  topcoat, 
and  his  hat. 

DODO.     Well,  that  is  something. 

TESSIE.  And  he  and  papa  will  probably  come  on  the  same  train, 
for  I  left  a  note  telling  papa  we  were  coming  straight  to  you  :  we 
got  your  address  from  the  Mirror. 

DODO.     But  they  don't  know  each  other. 

TESSIE.  They  will  when  they  meet  here.  O  Dodo,  can't  you 
hide  me,  or  disguise  me,  or  something  ? 

DODO.  All  you  have  to  do  is  to  stay  quietly  in  my  bedroom  if 
your  papa  arrives,  and, Sarah  wfll  deny  you  are  here.  Is  he  very 
violent  ?  CjCt/LC-Ay 

TESSIE.     He  shoots  first  and  explains  afterwards. 

DODO.  Dear  me-J  Then  Sarah  must  not  let  him  in.  (Rings 
bell;  SARAH  enters*^  Sarah,  if  a  —  er  gentleman —  ffiufe  *» "~*\ 

TESSIE.     An  excited  gentleman,  with" a  red  face. 

DODO.     Exactly:    an  excited  gentleman  comes  and  asks  for  (con- 
sults note)   Miss  Tessie  Ginty,  you  must  not  admit  she  is  here. 
*     Better  yet,  do  not  let  him  in. 

SARAH.  Law,  ma'am!  you  want  a  policeman  instead  of  a  wait- 
ress ;  there's  so  many  sort  of  folks  to  be  kept  out. 

DODO  (severely}.     Sarah,  leave  the  roqm.    .    *     -r\ 

SARAH.     Oh,  certinly,  ma'am.     (Exit  c.frilL. ,  f)t^J  »  t*  lf 

DODO  (going  to  L.  door}.  Now,  darling,  my  room  is  tne  fourth 
down  the  hall.  Lock  yourself  in  until  I  return  from  the  matinee, 
and  do  not  worry.  Good-by  !  darling  Bessie  — 

TESSIE.     Tessie!  *^  Q 

DODO.     Of  course,  Tessie.     By-by  !     (Exit  Z-vtfa  /S.  • 

TESSIE.     It's  odd  she  cannot  remember  my  name/rmt  she  is  aw- 
fully sweet  and  kind.      (Walks  about,  examining  room?)     So  this 
is  the  style  in  which  an  actress  lives.     Very    pretty.     (Crosses  to 
table.}     She  has  «had  lunch.     (Picks  up  glass  ;    smells  it}  Gra- 
cious!     She  has^Ho&ftnilsrjust  like  ^apiv     (Picks  up  cigarette} 
And  she  smokes.      (Sits  by  table;  puts  cigarette  in  mouth  ;  waves 
glass.}     1  fancy  this  is  the   style.     Hulloa,  old  chappie,  how  goes 
.    it  ? 
«  <*}          t  /-i?  /-  (SARAH  enterin°c^  stands  amazed,}. 

^rt^^Tv^ 

SARAH  (aside}.     Well,  she  is  Ityely,     {Coughs} 
TESSIE    (jumping  up}.      Gracious!      Oh!   er — Sarah,  please 
carry  this  bag  (Jianding  her  bag}  to  Miss  McLaren's  room. 

SARAH.     Yes,  ma'am.     (Exit  L.  with  bag.}  r<^L <•  t^t ^0*0 f ****  - 

TESSIE.     How  that  girl's  eyes  stuck  out!     I  wonder  irshe  don't 

know  how  larky  Dodo  is  ?     (.''icks  up  wig. }  iH  o  WjftU-te  •     (Goes  to 

mirror ;  holds'it  up}      1  wish  I  w e re blund .  ?*rO^ •  an"' d e a !      1  will 

be  fejond.      I'll  borrow  this  and  one  of  Podo^  gowns,  and  if  papa 


o 


SECOND  FLOOR,  SPOOPENDYKE.  9 

does  come  I  defy  him  to  recognize  me.  He  is  so  awfully  near  sighted. 
Oh,  clear!  I  wisfi  Artie  would  come.  ({Takes  up  topcoat  and  hat.) 
As  Dodo  says,  it  is  something  to  have  these,  but  they  are  a  hollow 
consolation.  Hollow—  (SARAH  enters..^.}  Oh,  bother  that  girl! 
Remember,  Sarah,  jf  an  excited  gent-ten  an  asks  for  me,  I  am  not 
here.  (Exit  L.)  (TWs  Ox*U^  <ft***^  *s«-j(  £^-4  .) 

SARAH  (coming  ao  wn}.  Yes,  ma'am,  and  if  ten  excited^eli  tie- 
men  'corftes  I  ain't  going  to  face  'em  for  you.  Tyrone  is  all  the  gen- 
tleman I  cares  to  see—  (Bell  rings.}  Pj^  tnat  bell!  Well,  Til 
answer  it  for  the  last  time.  (Exit  c-)P"yrl£  f\  . 

ARTIE  (outside}.     I  tell  ycru  she  is  re$,  and  I  must  see  her. 

SARAH  (backing  in  before  ARTIE,  ivJio  wears  silk  travelling- 
cap,  and  is  gasping).  Where's  who  ? 

ARTIE.     My  wife  —  at  least,  my  fiancee. 

SARAH.     She  ain't  here. 

ARTIE.  Isn't  this  the  apartment  of  Miss  McLaren  ?  (Comes 
down  stage.} 

SARAH.     Yes.  bur*  —  (Retj-.eats  before  him.} 

ARTIE.  Then,  where  is  my  wife  —  that  is  to  be  ?  Do  ypu  deny 
that  Miss  Tessie  Ginty  is  here  ~" 

SARAH  (aside).    It's  the  excited  gentleman  !    (Gets  behind  table.} 

ARTIE.     Where  is  she  ? 

SARAH.     None  of  your  business. 

ARTIE.  None  of  my  —  (sees  bag  on  sofa}  the  very  thing  !  Who 
brought  that  bag  here  ? 

SARAH.     No  one.     It  —  it  goes  with  the  flat. 

ARTIE.     Nonsense  ! 

SARAH-*  •   I  mean  it's  a  "prop"  —  theatrical  property. 

ARTIE.     "  Prop  !  "     Stuff  !     That  bag  is  mine,  mine  ! 

SARAH.     It  ain't  !     Law,  what  a  man  ! 

ARTIE  (aside,  taking  up  bag}.  I  must  be  calm  ;  the  girl  thinks 
I  am  off  my  head.  (Goes  to  table;  sets  down  bag}  What  is  your 
name,  my  good  girl  ? 

SARAH.     Sarah,  sir. 

ARTIE.     There's  a  dollar  for  you.     (Gives  her  money} 

SARAH.     Thank  you,  sir. 

ARTIE.     Now,  Sarah,  you  think  I  am  drunk,  or  crazy. 

SARAH.     Well,  you  ce'rtinly  seems  excited  like. 

ARTIE.  I  am  —  at  least,  I  was;  but  that's  all  over,  and  I  will 
now  prove  to  you  that  I  own  this  bag.  I  packed  it  this  morning, 
and  blindfolded  I  will  name  each  article  as  I  take  it  out. 
over  eyes.) 


I  just  wish  I  could  get  by  him  to  the  door. 

ARTIE  (handing  her  pair  of  curling-irons}.  A  Smith  .and  Wes- 
son revolver.  Right  ? 

SARAH  (placing  them  on  mantel}.  Yes,  sir!  (Taps  forehead.} 
Crazy  as  a  loon. 

ARTIE  (giving  her  £ 


i/1  ^cilL-    l-Ltn/'Pc  I?;.,l!t  ? 


IO          SECOND  FLOOR,  SPOOPENDYKE. 

SARAH.     Certinly.     (Aside.')     Oh,  law!     {Puts  them   on  man- 
tel.-) 


- 

i  K. 


ARTIE  (passing  her/pair  »f*cd  sftk-st&ckiugs)*     Silk  trndorvoct. 
SARAH.     Yes,  sir!     (^7^:)     ^H1'J^W'    J^Same  business.) 
ARTIE  (giving  her  ^^°Jr*ffrx*^'iT      fflb^^ttflOy^f  H^    Right? 
SARAH.     Yes,  sir  !  //jC^^f^-L  j^l^J^^f x*- -?  '  (Same  business.) 
ARTIE  (holding  up^S\v  fyfp&JBf(Wftff) »     What  iheDickens  ! 
SARAH.     I'm  going  for  help  !     (Runs  out  c.^rflL  ^»7\^**^"\     f^  ""**  * 
ARTIE  (tearing  off  bandage).     For  heaven's  sake  !     €err>cmi  \ 
.woman's  bag.     (Runs  to  manfel^^^Qve.  !  that  girl  must  think 
a  lunatic.      ^£nwt\?kff^&jfc£/ffi$fifflr»    What  !      TbcVru    ni  * 


T.  G.     I  see  it  all.     This  is   Tessie's  bag.     I  knew  that  <jiri 
lying.     (Runs  to  library  door.)     Tessie!     Tessie!  your  Art.; 
here !     (Shakes  handle.) 

^±. 

(SARAH  enters  c.  with  JANITOR.) 

SARAH.     There  he  is,  Mr.  Jenks. 

JENKS  (advancing).     Now,  then,  sir  ! 

ARTIE.     Stand  aside.     Who  are  you? 

JENKS.  I'm  the  janitor  of  "  The  Spoopendyke."  (Takes  ARTIE 
by  arm.) 

ARTIE  (furiously}.     I'll  report  you,  sir! 

SARAH.  Report!  Oh,  Mr.  Jenks,  he's  one  of  them  outdagious 
reporters  —  bundle  him  out. 

ARTIE.     I  am  not  a  reporter.     I  am  a  gentleman. 

SARAH.     Oh,  I  guess  so  ! 

JENKS  (squaring  up   to  him).     We   don't   want   no   reporters 
ere. 

ARTIE  (savagely).  I  am  not  a  reporter,  you  beggar  !  (Springs 
at  JENKS,  pushes  him  to  floor;  pretends  to  kick  him;  pulls  him 
z*P  to  his  feet ;  hits  him  in  the  ribs.)  There  !  will  that  do? 

JENKS  (gasping).  Where'd  —  you  —  learn  —  that  act  ?  (Rttbs 
side.)  Sfr^tjK 

ARTIE.  Playing  football.  (Waves  st&ekiMgsC)  This  proves 
my  wife  is  here,  and  I'm  coming  back  to  get  her. 

SARAH.     I'll  call  the  police,  if  you  don't  go.        JlV 

ARTIE.     Call  them  when  I  return.     (Exit  c.yTff-j\>. ' 

JENKS.  I'll  just  see  him  off  the  premises.  (Riws  side.)  Great 
Scott!  what  a  fist  he's  got.  (Exit^L-  *lfX  7^ 

SARAH.  I  hope  I  haven't  made  a  mismRe.  But  gracious!  I  don't 
.care  whether  he's  a  reporter  or  the  excited  gentleman.  I'm  going 
to  see  Tyrone^and  tell  J^m  ^  am/^Francie,"  t  G*^.tf«-  <£ 

f^t'vrittk'b^.fefttA  ^ 


L.  door  opens;  TESSIE  peeps*&.)  ^\ 

TESSIE.  Sarah  !  Not  a  soul  here  !  (Comes  out.  She  wears  a 
tea-gown  and  DODO'S  tuig.)  I  thought  I  heard  excited  voices,  and 
was  sure  papa  had  come. '  (Goes  to  mirror.)  I  don't  really  believe 
he  would  know  me.  (Sees  things  on  mantel.)  How  queer  !  Who 
has  unpacked  my  bag  and  thrown  everything  around  ?  Oh  !  I  see 


SECOND  FLOOR,  SPOOPENDYKE.  II 

it  all  ?  Papa  has  come,  found  my  bag,  and  that  faithful  Sarah  has 
gotten  him  out.  I  wonder  how  she  did  it  ?  {Puts  things  in  bag.) 
That  was  what  I  heard.  Poor  papa,  how  wild  he  must  have  been  ! 
(Goes  to  dwr,  L.)  I'll  put  these  away,  and  then  find  Sarah. 


.  .  , 

(BiGLER  JI.MPSON  appears  in  c.  door,  carrying  box  ;  he  raps  on 
door  with  cane  ;  comes  down.) 

BIGLER.  The  girl  I  met  on  the  stairs  said  I  could  walk  in  if  I 
liked.  She  was  sure  she  didn't  care,  so  I  walked  in.  And  seeing 
this  lying  in  the  hall,  brought  it  up  with  me.  I  wonder  how  she 
will  like  my  offering.  Flowers,  of  course,  are  always  acceptable, 
but  I  am  afraid  she'll  kick  at  the  bangle.  (Puts  box  on  sofa; 
walks  about.)  Bigler,  my  boy,  you  Ye  certainly  going  it  !  Two 
days  in  town,  and  calling  on  the  leading  lady  of  the  Melpomene. 
I  hope  she  hasn't  forgotten  her  old  schoolfellow.  I  wonder  if  she 
will  call  me  Bigler,  or  Mr.  Jimpson?  I  mean  to  call  her  Dodo. 
(Goes  to  table.)  Ah,  lunch. 

(TESSIE  enters  L.,  stands.) 

BIGLER.  Cocktails  and  cigarettes.  Well,  I  fancy  Dodo  is  a 
gay  girl  now.  {Turns  ;  sees  TESSIE.)  Ah,  my  dear  Dodo,  don't 
you  recollect  your  old  playmate,  Bigler  Jimpson  ? 

TESSIE  (coming  down).     Are  you  Bigler  Jimpson  ?  //, 

BIGLER.     The  same  old  Bigler. 

TESSIE.     And  you  wish  to  see  Miss  McLaren  ? 

BIGLER.  Certainly,  I  want  to  see  you.  I  dropped  in  at  the 
theatre  last  night,  saw  you,  and  decided  to  call  this  morning. 

TESSIE  (aside).  He  thinks  I  am  Dodo.  {Aloud.)  Be  seated, 
Mr.  Jimpson.  (Sits  by  table.) 

BIGLER  {sitting  on  sofa).  You  used  to  call  me  Bigler,  in  the 
jolly  old  days. 

TESSIE.     Well,  I  will  now,  Bigler. 

BIGLER.  Jove!  By  the  by,  I  met  Col.  Gin  ty  this  morning  — 
you  remember  Tessie  Ginty  at  school  ? 

TESSIE.  Yes  ;  she  went  to  Boston  to  live.  But  —  er  —  oh, 
where  did  you  meet  Col.  Ginty,  and  what  did  he  say  ? 

BIGLER.  I  met  him  on  the  street.  He  don't  know  me,  you 
know.  But,  I  say,  Dodo,  you're  out  of  sight  as  an  actress. 

TESSIE.  I'm  awfully  obliged.  And  should  you  have  known  me 
on  the  stage  ? 

BIGLER.     Better  than  I  should  off;  you  look  so  different  to-day. 

TESSIE.  You  must  allow  for  make-up.  Have  a  cigarette. 
(Hands  him  box.)  These  are  my  own  specials. 

BIGLER.     Do  you  smoke  ?     (  Takes  cigarette.) 

TESSIE.     Of  course. 

BIGLER  {lighting  cigarette).     Won't  you  join  me  ? 

TESSIE.  Oh,  no!  I  couldn't.*  I  never  smoke  more  than  —  than 
three  paefec  a  day  —  and  I've  had  those  already. 


12  SECOND  FLOOR,  SPOOPENDYKE. 

BIGLER.     Three  pack****  [)$'. 

TESSIE.     Yes  ;  they're  so  soothing  after  a  performance. 

BIGLER.     So  I  should  fancy.     (Aside.}     Good  Gad  L 

BESSIE.  I  tell  you  what  I  will  do.  I'll  mix  you  a' — a  —  nice 
littleSdrink.  (Rises;  goes  to  buffet.} 

BIGGER.     Can  you  mix  drinks? 

TESEIE.  Did  you  ever  know  an  actress  who  couldn't  ?  (Mixes 
cocktail  as  she  talks.} 

BIGLER.     Of  course  not.     (Aside.}     Nor  one  who  could. 

TESBIE  (mixing}.  I  think  you'll  find  this  —  er — well,  about 
your  size,  don't  you  know. 

BIGLER.  Oh,  anything  you  compound  must  be  divine.  (  Migjit  I 
ask  what  you  are  making?  //*<V&«U^K.  2W/V-* 

TESSIE.     A  little  er —  what's  its  name  ?     Oh,  **-knoclT  me  ikruu. 
(Pours  in  Worcestershire  sauce.} 

BidLER.  BenV  you  moan  .  "  pick  me  up->"  (Aside.}  She's 
putting  Worcestershire  sauce  in  it ! 

THSSIE.  ¥ crlmpo  I  do.  (Aside.}  I  thought  that  was  bitters. 
No  rhatter.  (Mixes.} 

BBGLER  (aside).     Jove!   there  goes  brandy  and  Cayenne  pepper. 

TESSIE  (coming  down;  hands  him  glass}.  There !  try  that, 
Biglfer. 

IMGLER  (eying  it  dubiously}.  Do  you  —  do  you  like  this  your- 
self]? 

TESSIE.     I  think  it's  out  of  sight. 

BIGLER   (aside}.     I   wish  it  were.     (Aloud.}     Here's    to   your 
health,  Dodo!     (Takes  swallow.}     Ugh!   ah!    (Runs  to  window ; 
pqts  his  head  out} 
|TESSIE.     Oh  !     Was  it  too  strong  ? 

BIGLER  (coming  in).  Delightful!  l-Ga-me  to  the  window  to  — 
•to  —  get-tkis.  (Takes  box  from  sofa.}  I  ordered  these  sent  here 
this  morning,  and  seeing  the  box  lying  in  the  hall,  brought  it  along. 
(Hands  TESSIE  box.)  I  shall  be  in  the  right-hand  stage-box 
to-night,  and  if  you  will  wear  these  I'll  be  the  happiest  fellow  out. 

TESSIE.     You're  awfully  kind.     (Unties  string.) 

BIGLER.  Don't  open  it  until  I  am  gone.  There's  something 
else  with  them  which  I  hope  you  will  accept  from  an  old  playmate. 
I  suppose  you  don't  usually  accept  presents  — 

TESSIE.     Oh,  I  take  everything  I  can  get. 

BIGLER.  Oh,  then  that's  all  right.  I  noticed  your  costume  last 
night,  and  I  think  you'll  find  they  mitch  exactly. 

TESSIE.     Do  let  me  peep. 

BIGLER.  No,  no !  I  want  to  take  you  for  a  drive.  Just  step  to 
the  window  and  see  the  little  nag  I  have.  (Goes  to  window.) 

TESSIE  (following).     What  a  darling! 

BIGLER.     Will  you  go  ?  , 

TESSIE.  I  hardly  think.  (Jumps  back.)  Gracious !  There's 
papa. 


BIGLER.     Where  ? 

TESSIE.  The  gentleman  with  the  red  face.  See !  a  policeman 
is  dragging  him  from  under  a  cab.  He's  looking  up !  He's  coming 
here  ! 

BIGLER.     Why,  that's  Col.  Ginty. 

TESSIE.     Of  course. 

BIGLER.     I  thought  you  saklyaur  father. 

TESSIE.  I  can't  explain  now.  (Drags  him  down  front.}  Just 
understand  that  if  he  finds  me  murder  will  be  done.  You  are 
brave,  aren't  you? 

BIGLER.     Yes. 

TESSIE.  Then  there's  one  chance  of  escape.  The  instant  he 
comes  in  you  must  get  his  eyeglasses  away.  He  is  horribly  near- 
sighted and  can't  see  without  them.  Then  I  will  appear,  and  deny 
that  I  am  me.  (Bell  rings.)  There  he  is  ! 

BIGLER.     But  I  don't  understand  — 

TESSIE.  Do  as  I  say.  Get  his  glasses-  (Runs  to  L.  door.) 
Get  his  glasses,  and  call  me  Dodo.  (Exit.y.  K.&JL*  Z»  fO  &+.  , 

BIGLER.  That's  rather  cool !  Call  her  Dodo,  arM  take  away 
Col.  Ginty's  eyeglasses,  and  she  will  deny  she  is  she.  If  she 
isn't  she,  who  is  she  ?  O  Lord !  My  head  is  going  round.  Or 
else  there'll  be  murder  done.  Well,  I  rather  think  I  am  not  in  this. 
(Runs  to  L.  door.}  Locked  !  (Runs  to  closet  R.  •  opens  it.)  Ah  ! 
a  closet,  this  will  do.  (Steps  in;  shuts  door.) 

(COL.  GIXTY  rushes  in  c.) 

COL.  Gr*  Now,  ma'am,  where's  my  daughter?     No  one  here! 
Strange!     Janitor  said  the  ladies  were  here,  yet  the  door  is  open. 
(Knocks  on  floor  with  cane.)     Hulloa,  the  house  !     They  must  be   .    ^ 
here  !     (Pauses.)     I'll  ring  that  confounded  bell  again.     (Exit  c-^ffjT 

(Bell  rings  violently.     TESSIE  opens  L.  door;  BIGLER  R.  door;      /  ^ 
they  come  half  out.}  t 

TESSIE.     Has  he  come  ? 

BIGLER.     Yes.     See  here  !     I  must  speak  to  you.    (Crosses  to  c. 

TESSIE  (meeting  him).     What  ? 

COL.  G.  (outside).     Hulloa,  the  house! 

TESSIE.     Papa  !     Hide  !     (Flies  into  closet,  R.    BIGLER  L. 
they  close  doors  as  COL.  GINTY  enters -/P 

COL.  G.  It's  a  trick.  (Runs  to  closet ;  shakes  door.}  Locked  ! 
(Runs  to  L.  door;  pulls.)  How  it  sticks  !  Ah  !  Ugh  !  (  Tugs 
violently;  door  opens  suddenly;  BIGLER  falls  against  COL. 
GINTY.)  A  /**»/!'/ 

BIGLER.     Ah!    how  d'ye  do!  /*-* 

COL.  G.  (grabbing  him  by  collar).  My  name  is  Gftit^f  Colonel 
Thomas  Quincy  Ginty. 

BIGLER.  Good  name,  Ginty.  Respectable.  Let  go  my  collar, 
will  you  ?  (Shakes  himself  free ;  comes  down  front;  aside.}  I'll 
bluff  it  out ! 


14          SECOND  FLOOR,  SPOOPENDYKE. 

COL.  G.     How  dare  you  pretend  not  to  know  me? 

BIGLER.  Because  I  —  I  am  near-sighted.  I  say,  have  you  a  pair 
of  eyeglasses  with  you  ? 

COL.  G.     What  is  that  to  you  ?     (Advances.} 
'  BIGLER.     Just  hand  them  over,  will  you  ?      (Jerks  COLONEL'S 
glasses  off;  puts  them  on.}     No.  I  do  not  know  you.     (Aside.} 
How's  that  for  nerve  ? 

COL.  G.     Insolent  cub!     Where  is  my  daughter? 

BIGLEK.  Don't  know,  old  man.  (Drops  glasses;  steps  on 
them.}  Gad  !  I've  smashed  your  glasses. 

COL.  G.  This  is  too  much.  First  you  abscond  with  my 
daughter;  then  you  break  the  only  glasses  I  have  East.  Artie 
Bruce,  where  is  my  daughter  ? 

(Dooo  appears  in  c.  door.} 

yYame  is  not  Artie  Bruce. 

COL.  G.     Sir,  you  lie ! 

DODO:     Whaton  earth  is  the  matter?     (Comes  down.} 

COL.  G.     A  lady. 

BIGLER.     I  didn't  begin  the  row. 

COL.  G.  Madam,  I  am  almost  blind  without  my  glasses;  but  I 
do  not  think  I  know. you.  I  am  Col.  Ginty. 

DODO.     And  I  am  Dodo  McLaren. 

BIGLER.     Th,e  real  article  ! 

COL.  G.  Then,  where  is  my  daughter?  Where  is  that  little 
idiot  ? 

DODO.     How  should  I  know  ? 

COL.  G.  Didn't  that  scoundrel  Artie  Bruce  (pointing  to  BIGLER) 
^ring  her  here  ? 

BIGLER.  I  am  not  Artie  Bruce  :  my  name  is  Jimpson,  —  Bigler 
Jimpson. 

DODO.  Of  course  it  is,  —  Bigler  Jimpson,  my  private  secretary. 
(To  BIGLER.)  I'll  back  you  up. 

BIGLER.     Thanks. 

COL.  G.  (producing  note}.  Madam,  I  am  a  patient  man,  but  this 
note  left  by  my  idiot  daughter  says,  "  We  shall  go  straight  to 
Dodo  McLaren."  Her  train  came  in  two  hours  ago,  and  she  must 
<be  here. 

DODO.     Absurd ! 

COL.  G.  I  dislike  being  rude  to  a  charming  lady,  but  I  doubt 
your  sincerity.  At  all  events,  I'll  not  leave  until  I  see  my  daugh- 
ter. 

DODO.  As  that  ma^mean  a  long  stay,  I  will  ask  you  to  wait  in 
the  library.  (Opens ^door.}  First  door  to  the  left,  Colonel. 

COL.  G.  (stumbling  over  chair}.  I  beg  your  pardon  !  Con- 
found my  eyes  !  (Exit$^  t 

DODO  (rushing  to  BIGLE'R).  I  grasped  the  situation  at  once. 
How  clever  you  are,  Mr.  er  —  Jimpson,  I  think  you  said.  What 
did  suggest  that  absurdity  ? 


er  —  Jimpson,  1  think  you 

'     * 


ECOND    FLOOR,    SPOOPENDYKE. 

* 


BIGLER.  My  parents.  Pray  understand,  I  am  Bigler  Jimpson, 
and  not  Artie  Bruce. 

DODO.     You  are  not  Artie  Bruce? 

BIGLER.     Certainly  not. 

DODO.     Then,  why  are  you  here? 

BIGLER.  I  came  to  see  you,  and  thought  I  had  done  so.  At 
least,  I  was  received  by  a  most  extraordinary  young  woman  who 
let  me  call  her  Dodo,  and.  accepted  a  present  I  bought  for  you. 

DODO.     Who  can  you  mean  ?^ 

TESSIE  (rushing  out  of  closet}.     O  Dodo  !  it  was  I. 

DODO.     What  have  you  done  to  yourself  ? 

TESSIE.  Put  on  your  wig  and  gown.  I  was  so  afraid  of  papa; 
and  Mr.  Bigler  took  me  for  you,  and  (seizing  box}  here  is  his  horrid 
present  ;  and  he  hopes  you  will  wear  them  to-night.  There  ! 
(Gives  DODO  box} 

BIGLER.     I  thought  you  might  accept  them  from  an  old  play- 


mate. 
DODO.     You  are  very  kind.     (Opens  box}         , 
TESSIE.     Do  hurry,  Dodo  !                 ^Jt^I»   <L*4*-'  A- 

.  ,,  ,,.'*„/,/- 

them  up.}                                                                     A 
BIGLER.     What  the  Dickens  ! 
TESSIE.     Do  they  match  your  costume.  Dodo  ? 
DODO.      Of    course    not.     Is    this    your   idea   of   a 
'impson  ? 
BIGLER.     Oh,  good  Gad  !     Oh,  I  say  !     (Catches  up 

joke,   Mr. 
wrapper.} 

Ar.  Julius  Jones.     I've  stolen  another  fellow's  bundle  ! 
DODO.     How  absurd!     (Laughs.} 
TESSIE.     I  shall  die  !     (Laughs} 
BIGLER.     Then,  where  are  my  flowers  ?  yj  \ 

(COL.  GINTY  appears  in  doortf 

^>*. 

COL.  G.     I  thought  I  heard  a  strange  voice. 

TESSIE  (grasping  DODO).     Papa  ! 

DODO.     Keep  cool.     Col.  Ginty,  let  me  present  you  to  Miss  — 
er  —  Francie. 

COL.  G.  (bowing}.     Pleased  to  meet  you,  ma'am. 

TESSIE  (affecting  stutter}.     Charmed  t  —  t  —  to  meet  you,  C  — 
C—  Col.  G  —  G—  Ginty. 

DODO  (to  BIGLER).     Can't  you  get  him  away  ? 

BIGLER.     I  can  try. 

COL.  G.     You  are  from  the  South,  Miss  Francie  ? 

TESSIE.     N  —  n  —  no;  the  w  —  w  —  wild  and  w  —  wooly  w  — 
w  —  west. 

(ARTIE  appears  in  door  c.) 

ARTIE.     Which  of  you  ladies  is  Miss  McLaren  ?     I  am  a  re- 
porter from  Gossip.     (Comes  down} 

TESSIE.     It's  Artie!     Papa  will  kill  him.     (Turns  her  back.} 


SECOND    FLOOR,    SPOOPENDYKE. 

DODO.     Don't  turn  around. 

ARTIE.     Well,  which  is  Miss  McLaren  ? 

DODO.  I  am,  and  I  won't  be  interviewed.  (To  BIGLER).  It's 
Artie;  get  him  out. 

BIGLER.  All  right!  (To  ARTIE.)  Don't  you  hear  Miss 
McLaren?  Leave  the  house.  (Takes  him  by  Jtfl^rm.}  '' 

ARTIE.     Not  until  I  see  Miss  Tessie  Ginty.    (Holding  up 
ipgv}     T.    G.     You  see  I  know  she  is  here,  and  all  about  it. 

'TESSIE.     Dodo !  J&k 

COL.  G.  (grasping  ARTIE'S  jdg&t  ar»i).  You  young  scoundrel, 
if  you  dare  to  print  one  word  about  my  daughter  in  your  vile  paper, 
I'll  have  your  life!  Get  out  of  this  ! 

TESSIE.     Oh!     (Turns  around.} 

ARTIK.  Til  not  leave  until  I  see  her.  Ah  !  (Pointing  to  TES- 
SIE.) There  she  is  ! 

TESSIE.     I  am  not ! 

ALL.     What  ?     (TYRONE  appears  in  c.  door.} 

TESSIE.  T  —  T— Tessie  G  —  G  — Ginty.  My  n  —  n  —  name 
is  F  —  F  —  Francie. 

TYRONE.     Francie ! 

DODO.     Tyrone,  that  man  is  a  reporter  :  put  him  out ! 

TYRONE.  Out  he  goes  !  (Rushes  to  ARTIE,  who  is  struggling 
between  COL.  GINTY  and  BIGLER.) 

ARTIE.  You  fellows  let  me  go  !  (Struggles  up  stage  with 
TYRONE,  COL.  GINTY,  and  BIGLER.) 

GIRLS.     Oh !     Oh ! 

ARTIE.     Let  me  go  ! 

COL.  G.,  TYRONE,  and  BIGLER.     Out  you  go  ! 

(CoL.  GINTY  takes  his  head,  BIGLER  and  TYRONE  his  feet,  carry 
him  off  C.  kicking.} 

ARTIE.     I  will  see  her  !     (Exit.} 

TESSIE.     Dodo  !     (Falls  on  DODO'S  neck.} 


DODO.     Tessie.     (Kisses  her.} 


QjJICK    CURTAl 


^ 

X 


SCENE.  —  Sqbne  as  in  Act  I.     SARAH  discovered  at  rise  of  cur- 
tain seated  by  table,  cards  spread  out  j  deals  more  as  she  speaks. 

SARAH.  There's  the  ace,  four,  and  Jack  of  hearts  — next  to  me 
, —  that's  marriage  ;  and  the  ace  of  clubs  —  a  friend  ;  and  diamonds 
is  money;  and,  oh  dear!  the  ace  and  nine  of  spades  —  a  letter 
bringing  bad  news.  (Rises.}  Pshaw  !  'tain't  so.  (Reads  note.} 


SECOND  FLOOR,  SPOOPENDYKE.  IJ 

"  If  Francie  will  go  to  Miss  McLaren'^  apartment  in  '  The 
Spoopendyke,'  Mr.  Herbert  will  meet  her  there  directly  after  the 
matinee."  There  !  the  doorkeeper  give  me  this,  and  the  cards  can 
go  to  the  dickens  !  I  ain't  going  to  have  no  disappointment. 
(Gathers  up  cards.}  I  only  wish  he'd  come  before  Miss  McLaren. 
Her  nose  will  be  out  of  joint.  I've  got  her  beau,  and  maybe  I'll 
get  her  place.  I  can  act  as  good  as  she  does.  (Prances  about; 
recites.}  "  Back  !  Nicholas  Merton,  I  am  desperate,  desperate  I 


say! 


(DoDO  enters  c.  ;  stands  amazed} 


SARAH.  "  Dare  to  lay  hand  on  me,  and  —  "  (Turns}  Goodness 
gracious  !  Oh,  I  was  just  saying  over  your  part  !  You  do  act  so 
lovely,  ma'am. 

DODO.  Thanks.  (Comes  down}  Now,  if  you  have  quite  fin- 
ished  making  a  fool  of  yourself,  serve  dinner  in  half  an  hour. 

SARAH.     But  I  —  -j        . 

DODO.     No  excuses.     Do  as  I  say.     {Exit  L.)  MX^t  «  50Ot\ 

SARAH.  Do  as  you  say  !  I  guess  not.  I've  cookea  my  last 
dinner  for  you,  ma'am.  How  can  I  get  her  away  before  Tyrone 
comes  ?  Ah,  I  know  !  (Sits  by  table,  writes} 

Miss  MCLAREN. 

Dear  Madam,  —  We  cannot  possibly  finish  your  dress  for  the 
new  piece,  Monday,  unless  you  come  up  to  be  fitted  at  once. 

Respectfully, 

PlNKBERRY   &    CO. 

(Pttts  letter  in  envelope}  There!  She's  a  very  stuck  up  young 
woman  and  bullies  her  manager,  but  she  dassent  disobey  her  tailor. 
(Rises}  I'll  just  ring  the  bell  and  give  her  this.  (Exit  c-lTlK^. 

(TESSIE  and  DODO  enter  L.  ;  TESSIE  sobbing-,  head  on  DODO'S 
shoulder.) 

DODO.  Don't  cry  any  more,  darling  !  (Leads  her  to  sofa  ;  takes 
box  of  candy  from  table  ;  joins  her} 

TESSIE.  I  can't  help  it.  What  do  you  imagine  those  wicked 
men  did  with  Artie?  tUA/yS  h*o-" 

DODO.  Nothing  very  dreadful,  I  fancy.  Have  a  marr&n  f 
(Offers  her  box.}  A 

TESSIE.  I  couldn't.  Well,  just  one.  (Eats.}  O  Dodo  ! 
Shall  you  ever  forget  Artie  going  out  with  his  poor,  dear  legs 
kicking? 

DODO.     Never.     (Laughs} 

TESSIE.  How  can  you  laugh  ?  It  is  so  dreadful.  (Sobs}  Are 
there  any  more  man&nis  ?-•  Kld-V^  u*.«-6t»-<o-3  7 

DODO.     Yes,  darling!     (Hands  her  box} 

TESSIE.     They  take  my  mind  off  of  Artie.     (Eafs} 

DODO.     Cheer  up.     I  have  a  splendid  plan, 

TESSIE.    Oh,  what  is  it  ? 


1 8  SECOND  FLOOR,  SPOOPENDYKE. 

DODO.    You  know  your  papa  suspects  that  Bigler  Jimpson  is  Artie. 

TESSIE.     Well  ? 

DODO.  When  Bigler  returns  we  will  persuade  him  to  carry  out 
the  idea  and  lead  Col.  Ginty  off  on  a  false  scent.  Meantime,  you 
and  Artie  will  walk  quietly  out  and  be  married. 

TESSIE.     But  suppose  Artie  don't  come. 

DODO.     Not  come,  when  he  knows  you  are  here  ! 

TESSIE.  But,  Dodo,  suppose  papa  should  do  something  dread- 
ful to  poor  Bigler  ? 

DODO.     That  is  Bigler's  affair  — 

(BIGLER  is  heard  singing  "  Comrades"} 

TESSIE.     There  he  is. 

DODO.     Now,  we'll  flatter  him  into  saying  yes. 

(BIGLER  enters  c.,  laughing.') 

BIGLER.     Jove  !     I've  had  such  fun. 

TESSIE  and  DODO  (rising).     Tell  us  ? 

BIGLER  (coming  down).  We've  disposed  of  that  reporter 
fellow. 

DODO  (taking his  right  ami).     Tell  us  all  about  it?   '" 

TESSIE  (taking  his  left  ami).     Do,  Bigler. 

BOTH  (lead  him  to  sofa,  sit,  with  BIGLER  between  them).  Now. 
(Press  his  hands,  smile?) 

BIGLER  (delighted).  Really,  girls,  you,  I  —  at  least  —  well;  he'll 
trouble  you  no  more.  /  settled  him. 

TESSIE  (starting  up) .     Wretch ! 

BIGLER.     Eh  ? 

DODO.     She  means  the  reporter. 

TESSIE.     Yes,  I  meant  the  reporter.     (St'ts.) 

DODO.     And  how  did  you  settle  him,  Bigler? 

TESSIE.     Go  on,  dear  Bigler. 

BIGLER.  We  took  him  to  the  Hoffrung  in  a  cab,  carried  him  in 
yelling  like  a  Comanche  — 

TESSIE.     Oh !     (Clenches  hands.) 

DODO.     Yes?     (Shakes  head  at  TESSIE.) 

BIGLER.     Told  the  clerk  he  was  suffering  from  D.  T's. 

TESSIE.     Oh  !     (Same  business.} 

DODO.     Yes  ?     (Same  business.) 

BIGLER  (laughing).  Then  we  locked  him  up  in  a  room,  hired  a 
hall  boy  to  watch  him,  and  told  him  not  to  listen  to  his  ravings. 
Gad!  such  a  circus  ! 

DODO.     How  funny ! 

TESSIE.     Frightfully  funny  !     And  it  was  your  idea  ? 

BIGLER.     Mine,  mine  alone. 

DODO.     How  clever  of  you  ! 

TESSIE.  You  are  exactly  the  man  we  want.  We  have  a  joke, 
too,  and  need  just  such  a  clever,  original,  brilliant,  daring  spirit  as 
you  to  help  us  carry  it  out.  Ugh  !  (Rises;  goes  up  stage.) 


SECOND  FLOOR,  SPOOPENDYKE.  19 

BIGLER.     I'll  do  my  best.     (Rises.} 

DODO*    No  one  could  ask  more  than  Bigler's  best.     (Rises.} 
Shake  hands  on  it.     (Takes  right  hand.} 

TESSIE  (coming  down,  takes  left  hand).     It's  a  bargain  ? 

BIGLER.     Why,   certes.     (Shakes  hands  with  girls,    who  lead 
him  down  front.)     Now,  then,  what  is  the  joke? 

DODO  (taking  him  by  left  lapel}.     You  know   Col.  Ginty  sus- 
pects that  you  are  Artie  Bruce. 

BIGLERT     I  thought  I'd  disabused  him  of  that  idea. 

TESSIE  (taking  right  lapel).     No  ;  and  you  mustn't  try  to. 

BIGLER.     Not  try !     Are  you  aware  that  he  is  laying  for  Artie 
with  a  revolver  ? 

DODO.     Surely,  my  old  playmate  isn't  afraid  ! 

BIGLER.     I'm  not  afraid,  but  I'm  not  bullet  proof. 

TESSIE.     Surely  you  would  not  object  to  passing  yourself  off  as 
Artie  for  half  an  hour? 

BIGLER.     A   fellow   can   die   in    half   an   hour.      Great   Scott! 
(Steps  back  ;  sinks  into  chair  c.) 

DODO  (stepping  to  his  L.).     To  oblige  us,  dear,  dear  Bigler. 
(Clasps  hands.} 

(fame  business,  R.).     Just  for  fun,  dear,  dear  Bigler  ? 


appears  in  c. 

said  you**vvbufd  do  yo*ur  oesfT 

TESSIE  (sees  COL.  GINTY  ;  raises  voice}.  And  your  best  plan  is 
to-acknowledge  frankly  to  Col.  GINTY  that  you  are  ArtieBruce. 

COL.  G.     What's  that  ?      (Comes  down.} 

BIGLER.     Oh,  Great  Caesar !     (Springs  up} 

DODO.     You  can't  back  out  now,  Mr.  Bruce. 

TESSIE.  C  —  c  —  c  — oncealment  is  of  no  use,  Mr.  B  —  B  —  B 
—  Bruce.  ^JuJ>(y*6tf^  /-*/  <X*u 

BIGLER.     Then,  I'll  try  running. 

COL.  G.     Where  is  my  daughter  ?     (Advances?) 

BIGLER  (jumping  behind  sofa}.     Don't  shoot. 

COL.  G.     Coward !     Where  is  she  ?     ^Draivs  cu 


GIRLS.     O  Col.  Ginty  !     (Crosses  to  R.  front.} 

COL.  G.  It  won't  take  a  minute,  ladies.  (Rushes  to  sofa.) 
Where  is  my  daughter?  JJ~& 

BIGLER.     Don't  know.     (  Jumps  over  sofa,  flies  out  C.)*"j0  \* 

COL.  G.  Indies,  excuse  me.  (Follows  BIGLER,  calling)  where 
is  she?  V3~£-  *#tf  /<- 

GIRLS  (crossing  to  window).     Oh  ! 

DODO.     Bigler  is  half-way  over  Madison  Square. 

TESSIE.     See  papa's  coat-tails  fly. 

DODO.     Poor  Bigler  !     (Conies  down  front} 

TESSIE.  Serves  him  exactly  right.  (Joins  DODO.)  He  locked 
my  Artie  up.  (Bell  rings.) 

DODO.     Well,  we  know  where  he  is  — 

SARAH  (entering c.).     Note  from  Pinkberry,  ma'am. 


l\ 


CM*.  <— -, 

2O          SECOND  FLOOR,  SPOOPENDYKE. 

DODO.  Pinkberry!  {Reads}  Oh,  what  a  nuisance!  My 
wraps,  Sarah. 

SARAH.     Yes,  ma'am.     {Exit  L.,  re-enters  with  wraps.} 

TESSIE.     Are  you  going  to  leave  me,  Dodo  ? 

DODO.  Must,  my  dear.  One's  tailor  must  be  obeyed.  {Puts 
on  wraps.}  But  it  is  just  as  well,  for  I  can  stop  at  the  Hoflfrung 
and  extricate  poor  Artie. 

TESSIE.     Will  you  do  that  ? 

DODO.     In  fifteen  minutes  you  will  see  him  here.  ft 

TESSIE.     Fancy !  £    60  i\  + 

DODO.  By-by,  darling!  {Kisses  her;  exit,  followed  by 
SARAH.)  S  K*v^L/C  >y*«t^>K^^'^<?  /^TV \ 

TESSIE.     In  fifteen  minutes  r*shall  see  Artie. 

DODO  {putting  head  in  c.  door}.     O  Tessie  ! 

TESSIE.     Yes  f 

DODO.  Until  Artie  comes  don't  drop  your  disguise.  Continue 
to  be  Miss  —  er  — 

TESSIE.     F  —  F  —  Francie. 

DODO.  Yes,  Francie  ;  setter  and  all  until  all  danger  is  past. 
By-by!  {Exit£  r&L  ft 

TESSIE  {comes  down;  sits  on  sofa}.  Fifteen  minutes!  lean 
hardly  wait.  It  seems  years  since  Artie  left  me  to  buy  those  horrid 
sandwiches.  Thank  goodness,  there  can  be  no  more  complications. 

SARAH   {outside}.     Walk  right  in,  Mr.  Herbert. 

TESSIE.     Some  one  coming. 

SARAH  {showing  in  TYRONE)  .  Miss  McLaren's  out,  Mr.  Her- 
bert, but  there's  some  one  else  you'll  like  to  see. 

TYRONE  {hiking  ^ff«MaJ^.     Indeed!     Who? 

SARAH.     Miss  Francie.     {Winks.} 

TESSIE.     Francie !     That  is  me.     {Rises.} 

TYRONE.     Ah  !     {Looks  at  TESSIE.)     You  may  go,  Sarah. 

SARAH.     Me,  go! 

TYRONE.  My  good  girl,  there  is  a  time  and  a  place  for  all 
things  — 

;.,  .-SARAH  {interrupting}.     I  see  ;  we  must  be  cautious.    LWinks} 
I'll  return.     Hush  !     {Puts finger  on  lips;  exit.Q  r4jl  ^  . 

TYRONE.  The  girl  is  an  idiot !  {Comes  down}  rDwiss  Francie., 
I  think.  {Bows.} 

TESSIE.     Y  —  Y  —  Yes,  I  am  Miss  F  —  F  —  Francie. 

TYRONE  {aside}.     She's  very  fetching. 

TESSIE.  Be  seated.  M  — M  — Miss  M  —  M  —  McLaren  will 
return  directly.  {Sits.} 

TYRONE  {aside}.  A  hint.  {Sits}  I  hardly  know  how  to  be- 
gin. Miss  Francie. 

TESSIE.  You  m  —  m  —  might  c  —  c  —  commence  with  your  n  — 
n —  name. 

TYRONE.     Surely  you  know  I  am  Tyrone  Herbert. 

TESSIE.  The  actor !  J  have  always  w  —  w  —  wanted  to  m  —  m 
•—  meet  you, 


SECOND  FLOOR,  SPOOPENDYKE.          21 

TYRONE.     So  I  inferred.     (Pulls  mustache.} 

TESSIE  (aside}.     Conceited  wretch. 

TYRONE.  Still,  I  —  I  —  By  Jove !  It's  very  hard  to  tell  unpleas- 
ant truths  to  a  young  and  pretty  woman. 

TESSIE.     Is  it  ? 

TYRONE.  Beastly  hard.  But  it  is  my  duty  to  show  you  the 
excessive  folly  —  and  —  and  immorality  of  your  conduct  to-day. 

TESSIE.     Sir  ?     (Rises.) 

TYRONE  (rising).  You  left  your  happy  home  to  follow  the 
prompting  of  a  — pardon  me  —  shallow  heart  and  empty  brain  — 

TESSIE.     Upon  my  w  —  w  —  word  ! 

TYRONE.  Doubtless  you  think  yourself  engaged  in  a  most  ro- 
mantic affair. 

TESSIE.     At  1  —  1 —  least  it  is  m  —  my  affair. 

TYRONE.  Not  a  bit  of  it.  The  world  always  blames  the  man  in 
these  cases.  He  is  always  considered  a  heartless  villain,  when,  in 
reality,  he  fs  dragged  in  neck  and  heels.  By  Jove!  (Walks  up 
stage.) 

TESSIE.     Artie  dragged  in  "  neck  and  heels  !  " 

TYRONE.  Doubtless  you  expect  to  wind  up  this  romance  with  a 
wedding.  (Conies  down.) 

TESSIE.     That's  what  I  am  here  for. 

TYRONE.  Good  Gad !  I  —  well,  I  am  sorry  to  seem  brutal, 
and  —  and.  but  in  fact,  you've  mistaken  your  man. 

TESSIE.     Oh,  oh  !     (Turns  her  back ;  sobs.} 

TYRONE.  By  Jove  !  Tve  broken  her  poor  little  heart.  (Walks 
about.)  Don't  cry,  my  dear  little  girl. 

TESSIE  (sitting  on  sofa) .     I  wish  you  would  go  away. 

TYRONE  (going  to  her).  Now,  my  dear  girl,  I  advise  you  to  re- 
turn to  your  afflicted  parents.  You  have  a  mother? 

TESSIE.     No.     (Sobs.) 

TYRONE.  "A  father,  then  :  perhaps  he  is  even  now  prostrated  by 
your  absence  — 

TESSIE.     Papa  prostrated  !     Nonsense  ! 

TYRONE.     Let  me  take  you  to  your  home. 

TESSIE  (rising).  Sir,  I  am  not  in  the  habit  of  travelling  with 
Grange  men. 

TYRONE.     My  dear  Miss  Francie  — 

TESSIE.  Since  you  know  all  about  my  elopement  you  need  not 
pretend  not  to  know  my  name  any  longer. 

TYRONE.    But  —  I  — 

TESSIE.  Not  another  word,  sir !  (Sweeps  by  him  up  stage.)  I 
will  return  home  when  I  choose,  and  you  may  go  back  to  the  man 
who  sent  you  and  tell  him  so. 

TYRONE.     But  —  I  — 

TKSSIE  (coming  down).  For  him  I  sacrificed  everything  a 
woman  holds  most  dear,  —  trousseau,  presents,  bridesmaids,  ush- 
ers, —  everything  nice  I  gave  up  freely,  because  I  loved  him. 

TYRONE  (sinking  on  sofa,  holds  his  head).     The  girl  is  crazy  ! 

C   e  a*  c. 


22          SECOND  FLOOR,  SPOOPENDYK.E. 

TESSIE.  He  begged,  urged,  prayed  me  to  elope  for  weeks,  and 
now  sends  a  stranger  to  tell  me  I  dragged  him  in  "  neck  and 
heels."  (Sits  by  table  ;  sobs.) 

TYRONE.     Miss  Francie  ! 

TESSIE.     I  tell  you  not  to  call  me  Francie  ! 

TYRONE.     There  is  some  mistake. 

TESSIE.     There  has  been.     (Rises.) 

TYRONE  (rising).  Madam,  all  my  remarks  applied  to  a  Miss 
Francie  ;  now,  if  you  are  not  she,  I  take  them  all  back. 

TESSIE.     You  do  not  come  from  Artie  ? 

TYRONE.  Certainly  not  :  never  heard  of  him.  How  can  I  atone 
for  my  blunder? 

COL.  G.  (outside).     Where  is  she  ? 

TESSIE.     Papa  !     Oh,  don't  tell  him  I  am  here  ! 

TYRONE.     Why  not  ? 

TESSIE.     He  would  murder  me.     Hush  !     (Exit  L.) 

TYRONE.     Poor  little  thing  !     I  must  help  her  out. 

COL.  G.  (rushing  in  c.).     Ah,  ha  !     Where  is  she  ? 

TYRONE.  Your  daughter  is  not  here.  Ah  !  my  friend  of  the 
morning.  Don't  you  remember  me,  sir? 

COL.  G.  (peering  at  him).  I'm  as  blind  as  a  mole  without  my 
glasses,  sir. 

TYRONE.  We  met  here,  sir,  this  morning  ;  carried  off  that  re- 
porter fellow.  Good  joke  ! 

COL.  G.     Joke  !     Pm  beyond  joking  !     Where  is  my  daughter  " 
Where  is  the  wretched  little  idiot  you  have  drawn  away  from  hi 
home  ? 

TYRONE  (aside).  This  is  Mr.  Francie.  I  assure  you,  sir,  your 
daughter  left  home  of  her  own  accord.  I  did  not  ask  her  to. 

COL.  G.     What!     She  asked  you   to   clone   with   her?     (Ad- 


ot  ask  her. 

COL.  G.     Didn't  you  send  her  to  Miss  McLaren  ? 

TYRONE.     Not  till  she  had  begged  me  to  meet  her. 

COL.  G.     Artie  Bruce,  you  are  a  liar  ! 

TYRONE.     Mr.  Francie,  you're  a  cran-k  ! 

COL.  G.     Don't  call  me  Francie,  sir  ;  my  name  is  Ginty. 

TYRONE.     And  my  name  is  Herbert. 

COL.  G.     Then,  where  is  Artie  Bruce? 

TYRONE.  Artie!  (Comes  down.)  That  is  the  name  she  men- 
tioned. This  is  her  father.  (Winks.')  I  am  on  her  side.  (To 
COL.  G.)  Artie  Bruce  :  oh,  yes  !  Artie  Bruce  ! 

COL.  G.     Get  on,  sir  ;  get  on  ! 

TYRONE.  Artie  Bruce  is  the  name  of  the  young  gentleman  who 
helped  us  carry  off  the  reporter. 

COL.  G.  I  knew  it  ;  and  1  let  him  put  me  off  with  a  story  of  his 
being  Bigler  Jimpson. 

TYRONE.     Absurd!     Suppose  we  look  him  up. 

COL.  G.     He  is  at  the  Hoffrung  now.     Will  you  go  with  me  ? 


,    SPOOPENDYKE.  2$ 

» 

TYRONE.      Certainly.      (Aside.)      Anything  to  get  him  away. 


-  .  •         - 

COL.  G.     Sir,  you  are  most  obliging.     (Exit 
TYRONE.     Sir,  you  are  badly  sold.     (Exit 

(TESSIE  enters  L.;  ^wj  /0  window.) 

TESSIE.  There  they  go,  arm  in  arm,  in  search  of  poor  Bigler. 
What  a  nice  young  man  that  Mr.  Herbert  seems  to  be!  such  a 
ready  liar!  (Sits  on  sofa.) 

SARAH  (entering  c.)  .  Beg  pardon!  but  where's  Mr.  Herbert, 
ma'am  ? 

TESSIE.     Gone. 

SARAH.     Did  he  say  anything  about  —  a  —  a  =—  Francie,  ma'am  ? 

TESSIE.     Lots.  /£    f     ff        /    ^_ 

SARAH.     I  knew  it.     (Runs  off  c.yW{J  «^  i  /]  t/L***  ^e 

TESSIE.  \Vhat  a  peculiar  girl  !  (Rises;  walks  about.}  "  won- 
der, by-the-by,  who  this  Miss  Francie  is,  and  what  she  has  done 
to  bring  Mr.  Herbert's  wrath  upon  her  head.  Ah,  me  !  Why 
don't  Artie  come?  It  seems  as_though  I  could  not  wait.-  I'll  "get 
something  to  read.  (Exit  L.)  /(uuCt  to'j*  V*.  fc**^"*^, 

SARAH  (entering  c.).  Tyrone  is  gofle  ofrwith  the  old  gentleman 
as  cool  as  you  please,  and  never  a  thought  of  me.     "There's  a 
time  and  a  place  for  all  things,"  says  he.     Well,  my  time  has  got 
to  come  pretty  quick,  or  I'll  make  things  hot.    (Opens  closet  doo 
I'll  wait  in  here;  and  when  Tyrone  comes  I'll  tell  him   I'm  Fra 
cie,  if  there's  a  thousand  people  about.     (Goes  in;  shuts  door.) 

(ARTIE  cautiously  opens  window,  looks  about,  jumps  in.    T#P 

.j  uhiM~and  nfirrTiVr/.frir 


ARTIE.  ^'/^  r^BftUjf  ?,  ]1j'itf^-sorne  use-  Here  I  am  :  now,  where 
is  Tessie  ?  ff-IStel  wig'  cafrfiot  deceive  the  eyes  of  love.  I  know 
she  is  here,  and  herA  stay  until  I  see  her.  (Listens)  I  thought 
I  heard  some  one  coming.  No  ;  imagination.  Jove!  I've  had  a 
nervous  day  of  it.  (Comes  down  ;  sits  on  sofa.)  If  ever  I  meet 
those  fellows  again,  I'll  teach  them  to  lock  me  up  as  a  D.  T. 
patient.  (Unrolls  bandage  from  wrist.)  They  nearly  dislocated 
my  wrist.  (Takes  bottle^  from  pocket  ;  bathes  wrist.)  If  I  hadn't 
had  money  enough  to  bribe  the  hall  boy,  I  might  be  locked—  Jove  ! 
Some  one  is  coming.  (Looks  about.)  '  I'll  lie  close  until  I  find  out 
who  it  is.  (Crawls  under  sofa;  leaves  one  foot  out) 

(TESSIE  enters  carrying  book  ;  comes  down,  sits  by  fire,  reads.) 
TESSIE.  "  '  Do  you  love  me,  darling?'  The  speaker  was  a  tall, 
muscular  man,  with  flashing  brown  eyes."  Just  like  Artie  ! 
(Sighs;  reads  title.)  "Separated  at  the  Altar."  Just  like  Artie 
and  me.  (Sighs.)  What  a  queer  odor!  (Rises.)  Like  a  — 
(sniffs)  dentist's  —  (sniff's)  or  a  photograph  gallery.  (Sniffs.) 
Chloroform!  Burglars!  (Walks  about.)  Where'  nr6  they? 
(Sees  ARTIE'S  feet.)  Gracious  !  a  human  man's  foot  !  Well,  he 


shall  come  out.  (Seizes  foot.)  Come  out,  you  wretch  !  (ARTIE 
begins  to  back  out.)  Oh,  he  is  coming!  (Runs  to  mantel;  turns 
her  back.)  I  haven't  any  diamonds.  Please  don't  hurt  me  ! 

ARTIE.     It's  Tessie.     (Runs  to  her.) 

TESSIE  (giving  him  bangles}.  These  are  solid.  Please  go 
away  ! 

ARTIE  (putting  arm  around  her).     My  darling! 

TESSIE.     Oh,  help  !     I  wish  Artie  was  here  ! 

ARTIE.     He  is.     Look  around  ! 

TESSIE  (turning).  Artie!  (Throws  arms  around  his  neck.) 
At  last  ! 

ARTIE  (kissing  her)  .     Are  you  really  glad  to  see  me  ? 

TESSIE.     Glad  !     Why,  it  seems  years  since  we  met. 

ARTIE.  Same  here.  I  say,  Tessie,  why  are  you  rigged  up  in 
this  -style  ! 

TESS'IE.  On  account  of  papa.  I  say,  Artie,  why  were  you  hiding 
under  the  sofa  ? 

ARTIE.     On  account  of  papa. 

TESSIE.     He's  not  your  papa  yet. 

ARTIE.^  Make  him  so.  Let  us  hurry  and  be  married  before  any- 
thing else  prevents. 

TESSIE.     Yes,  for  papa  is  laying  for  you  with  a  cowhide, 


ARTIE.     By  Jove  ! 

TESSIE.  He  is  so  .impetuous.  You  saw  how  he  behaved  when 
he  thought  you  a  reporter. 

ARTIE  (rubbing  wrist).     I  felt  him. 

TESSIE.  Well,  that's  nothing  to  what  he'd  do  if  he  knew  you 
were  Artie. 

ARTIE.     Suppose  we  go. 

(DODO  rushes  in  C.) 

TESSIE.     Dodo  ! 
DODO.     Who  is  this  ? 
TESSIE.     Artie. 

DODO.  I  thought  so.  You  must  hide.  Your  father  is  coming, 
Hide! 

TESSIE  and  ARTIE.     Where  ? 
DODO.     Here.     (Runs  to  closet  ;  pulls  door,  .)     Hurry! 

(TESSIE  and  ARTIE  cross  to  closet.     ARTIE  pit  Us  door  open.) 

BOTH.     Don't  betray  us  ! 

DODO.  Never.  (Pushes  them  in  ;  SARAH  and  TESSIE  scream 
as  door  closes.) 

(Noise,  outside,  of  struggle.) 
DODO.     The  Colonel  !     (Throws  herself  into  chair  by  fire.) 


SECOND    FLOOR,    SPOOPENDYICE.  2$ 

(CoL.  GINTY  and  TYRONE  enter  c.,  dragging  BIGLER  between 
them.  All  are  dishevelled,  collars  and  ties  floating,  hats  knocked 
in,  etc.) 

COL.  G.  and  TYRONE  (drag  BIGLER  down  front).     Stand  up  ! 

BIGLER  (dropping  limply).     I  won't! 

DODO  (rising).     What  does  this  mean  ? 

COL.  G.  This,  madam,  is  the  young  wretch  who  absconded  with 
my  daughter. 

TYRONE.     Artie  Bruce,  you  know. 

BIGLER.  I  am  not.  (Sits  flat  on  floor.)  Oh,  what  a  day  I'm 
having ! 

DODO  (aside).     I  must  interfere. 

COL.  G.  (jerking  BIGLER'S  right  arm).  Will  you  stand  up? 
What  does  Tessie  see  to  admire  in  you? 

BIGLER  (closing  eyes) .     Don't  know. 

TYRONE  (jerking  left  arm).  Will  you  stand  up?  Where's  your 
nerve,  man  ? 

BIGLER.     Didn't  bring  'em  with  me. 

DODO.  Tyrone,  Col.  Ginty,  pray  let  that  unfortunate  young  man 
rise.  I  assure  you,  he  is  not  Artie  Bruce. 

BIGLER.     There,  didn't  I  say  so  ? 

COL.  G.  and  TYRONE.     Who  is  he.?     (Drops  BIGLER'S  arms.) 

DODO.  Bigler  Jimpson,  an  old  schoolfellow  of  mine.  You  see, 
Colonel,  you  are  impetuous. 

COL.  G.     I  am. 

TYRONE.     Just  a  bit. 

BIGLER  (rubbing  shoulder).     Just  a  trifle. 

DODO.  So  poor  little  Tessie  was  afraid  to  have  you  meet  the 
genuine  Artie  until  you  were  cool. 

COL.  G.     Well? 

^.  DODO.     So  Mr.  Jimpson,  with  his   usual  cool,  manly  courage, 
volunteered  to  act  as  a  buffer  between  you  and  the  romantic  pair. 

TYRONE.     That  was  plucky. 

BIGLER  (rising).     Don't  mention  it. 

DODO.  Few  men  would  have  shown  as  much  bravery  ;  for  you 
know,  Colonel,  you  are  a  fire-eater. 

COL.  G.  I  am.  (Shaking  hands  with  BIGLER.)  Young  man, 
T. admire  your  nerve. 

BIGLER  (proudly).    A  Southerner  never  shows  the  white  feather. 

(Retires  up  R.  with  TYRONE.     They  adjust  each  other's  neckties, 

etc.) 

DODO.  Now,  Col.  Ginty,  will  you  tell  me  frankly  why  you 
object  to  Artie  Bruce  ? 

COL.  G.  I  don't.  I  merely  wish  Tessie  to  be  married  at  home, 
as  a  Ginty  should. 

DODO/  I  see. 

COL.  G.     I  followed  to  tell    Tessie  so  this   morning ;  then,  as 


/|  , 


26  v^feE^OND    FLOOR,    SPOOPENDYKE. 

everything  went  wrong,  I  lost  my  temper.  I  am  impetuous,  but 
not  flinty-hearted. 

DODO.     Then  you  forgive  them  ? 

COL.  G.     Of  course.     Where  are  they  ? 

DODO  {stepping  to  closet ;  pulls  door).  Here.  Will  you  assist 
me,  Col.  Ginty?  (Tugs.) 

COL.  G.  (goes  to  door).     With  pleasure.     (Tugs.)     Is  it  locked  ? 

DODO  (tugging).     No. 

TYRONE  (crossing,  puts  arms  about  DODO'S  waist).  Let  me 
brace  you,  Dodo. 

COL.  G.     That's  the  idea  !     (Puts  arms  about  TYRONE.) 

BIGLER.     And  I  will  be  anchor.  (Puts  arms  about  COL.  GINTY.) 

TYRONE.     Say  when,  Dodo. 

DODO.  One,  two,  three!  When  !  (All pull;  door  opens  sud- 
denly; all  stagger  in  line  over  to  K.frout.  ARTIE,  TESSIE,  and 
SARAH,  who  are  holding  inside  handle,  rush  out,  drop  on  their 
knees  C.) 

ARTIE,  TESSIE,  and  SARAH.     Don't  shoot ! 

COL.  G.  (stepping forward).     Come  to  my  arms,  my  children ! 

TESSIE  and  ARTIE  (rising,  rush  into  his  arms).     Papa! 

(SARAH  rises ;  crosses  to  L.  front ;  stands.} 

COL.  G.     So  this  is  the  genuine  Artie? 

TESSIE.     The  original.     Shake  hands  with  papa,  Artie. 

ARTIE  (shaking  hands}.  Colonel  Ginty,  I  want  to  say  a  few 
words  to  you.  (7^hey  retire  up  left  ofc.  door.) 

DODO.  Tyrone,  everything  is  now  explained  but  the  mystery 
about  Francie. 

TYRONE.     Which  will  remain  a  mystery 

SARAH.     Not  so.     (Crosses  to  c.)     Tyrone,  I  am  Francie. 

ALL.     You  ! 

SARAH.     Yes.     (Waves  note.)     Francie! 

DODO.  In  that  case,  you're  easily  settled.  Leave  the  room,  and 
my  service. 

SARAH.     Tyrone,  I  appeals  to  you. 

TYRONE.     I  do  not  want  a  waitress,  Sarah. 

SARAH.  Oh,  very  good!  Then  I  puts  you  all  in  the  papers. 
(Goes  up  to  C.  door.) 

COL.   G.,   TESSIE,  and  ARTIE  (come  down,  facing  SARAH  /«_ 
front).     She'll  put  us  in  the  papers  !     (Laugh} 

SARAH.  You're  a  stuck  up  lot !  (Brushes  by;  retires  up,  fol- 
lowed by  OMNES,  laughing.} 

OMNES.     We're  a  stuck  up  lot! 

SARAH  (coming  down}.     But  I  ain't  afraid! 

OMNES.     She's  not  afraid  !     (Follow  her.} 

SARAH  (turns,  retires  up}.     I'll  tell  the  reporters  all  about  you. 

OMNES.     All  about  us  !     (Follow ;  form  line  across  stage, 
to  audience,  right  hands  pointing  at  SARAH.) 

SARAH  (in  door  c.).     And  don't  you  forget  it. 


SECOND    FLOOR,    SPOOPENDYKE.  2? 

OMNES.     Good-by,  Francie ! 
SARAH.     Drat  you  !     (E.rtf.) 

OMNES  (turning  suddenly;  face  to  audience).  How  was  that 
for  a  game  of  bluff? 

QUICK  CURTAIX. 

(The  business  of  following  and  mocking  SARAH  wants  to  be 
played  very  quickly,  and  should  be  accompanied  by  lively  music  till 
fall  of  curtain.} 


NEW  PLAYS. 


LITTLE  TRUMP; 

OR,  A  ROCKY  MOUNTAIN  DIAMOND. 

cA  ^Drama.    in    Three   cAds. 
By  A.  LINCOLN  FISHER, 

Seven  male,  four  female  characters.  Costumes,  modern  and  character. 
Scenery,  varied  but  easy.  This  is  a  typical  Western  drama,  with  a  soubretto 
lead,  similar  to  the  popular  "  Triss."  The  dramatic  interest  is  very  strong,  the 
characters  widely  diversified.  Two  "  heavy  "  characters,  one  a  Mexican,  good 
comedy,  male  and  female,  and  strong  "  character  "  bits.  Little  Trump  is  f* 
capital  soubrette,  and  Gushington  Splatterbee  (comedy)  a  part  of  great  oppor- 
tunity. Plays  a  full  evening. 

PRICE  .  .  25  CENTS* 


SYNOPSIS. 

ACT  I.—  In  the  Rockies.  Rube's  home.  Phil  and  the  "  greaser."  Prospect- 
ing. A  leaf  from  the  past.  Little  Trump.  "  The  face  of  the  senora."  Uncle 
Rex.  A  heated  interview.  "  If  you  hurt  my  gran'pa,  I'll  let  daylight  through 
you  !  "  The  lost  locket.  A  clue.  A  gentleman  from  the  East.  The  breakdown. 
Hospitalities.  Rex's  romance.  On  the  trail.  Gushington's  little  stunt. 
Minerva,  the  tenderfoot.  Seeing  the  sunset.  Trump's  story.  The  tin  box. 
"She  is  my  daughter's  child."  Rube  breaks  the  news.  "I  ain't  gone  yet, 
gran'pa."  The  abduction.  Rex  has  the  drop  on  the  "  greaser."  "  Shoota  now, 
if  you  dare  !  " 

ACT  II.  —  The  pursuit.  The  ruined  Hacienda.  Old  Pepita.  Trump's  new 
grandma.  Under  guard.  The  road-agents.  Raising  the  wind.  Pepita's  friend. 
On  guard.  Splatterbee  to  the  rescue.  A  ghost.  Pepita  the  Avitch.  A  proposal. 
"  When  Trump  is  found  you  shall  be  in  truth  her  Uncle  Rex."  An  angry 
father  —  perhaps.  The  effect  of  moonlight.  An  old  hen.  Trump's  escape. 
The  discovery.  Pepita's  death.  A  forged  story.  The  meeting.  A  duel  to  the 
death.  Another  chance.  A  cowardly  ruse.  Shot  in  the  back.  Destroying  the 
traces.  The  explosion.  In  the  nick  of  time.  Rex's  rescue.  "  And  I've  mislaid 
my  note-book  !  " 

ACT  III.  —  In  New  York  City.  Six  Aveeks  and  no  clue.  A  close  call  for  Rex. 
Who  is  Philip  Cranstoii?  Claiming  her  promise.  "A  gentleman  beloAV." 
An  interview.  A  familiar  face.  A  clue.  Making  terms.  The  price  of  crime. 
Identified  at  last.  A  change  of  plans.  "  Xo  opera  to-night."  Gushingtou 
ahead.  A  close  call.  Good  news.  Splatterbee  holds  a  "  little  Trump."  Safe 
at  last.  Squaring  accounts.  "  The  devil  !  Rex  Kenyon  alive  ! "  Beaten  at 
every  point.  Manuel  turns.  Gushington  throws  off  tlie  mask.  "And  just  you 
make  a  note  of  that." 

A  POLITICAL  PULL. 

cA  Comedietta  in  One  cAct. 
By    JOHN    JASPER    JACKSON, 

Three  male,  three  female  characters.  Costumes  modern  ;  scenery  an  easy 
interior.  An  original  and  amusing  little  story  of  love  and  politics,  in  Avhioli  u 

fraphophone  plays  the  leading  part.    A  suitable  piece  for  parlor  performance, 
rish  loAV-comedy,  and  capital  juvenile  parts.    Plays  twenty  minutes. 

PRICE  .  .  J5  CENTS. 


Sent,  postpaid,  on  receipt  of  price,  by 

BAKER,  5  HAMILTON  PLACE,  BOSTON,  MASS. 


NEW   OPERETTAS  FOR   CHILDREN. 

KING  COLE. 

A  BURLESQUE  OPERETTA  IN  THREE  ACTS. 
Libretto  by  H.  N.  CUNNINGHAM.         .... 
Music  by  M.  L.  COOLEY. 


Ten  male,  three  female  characters,  and  as  -many  as.  desired  for  chorus. 
Costumes  fancy,  but  not  difficult;  scenery  desirable^.but  not  .  absolutely 
necessary.  Written  primarily  for  boys,  i  particularly  for  boy  choirs,  boys' 
schools  or  clubs,  it  was  intended  originally  that  boys  should.  play-  the-  female 
characters,  but  girls  may  be  introduced  in  these  parts,  if  desired,  and  also  in 
the  chorus.  The  music  is  easy,  catchy,  and  easily,  learned.  Five  of  the  parts 
demand  good  singers,  but  the  other  characters  -are  not  exacting*  -The  music  is 
printed  complete  with  the  text.  The  plot  of  the  operetta  is  inspired  by  the 
familiar  enactment  of  King  Cole  in  the  nursery  rhyme,  and  is  fancifully 
developed  with  much  humor  and  a  satirical,  side.  glance  at  recent  political  hap->  ^ 
penings.  Plays  one  hour  and  a  half.  *  .« 

Price     .....    ,     .     .    50  cents.  . 


A  DREAM^mFLOWERS. 

&  Cantata  for 


§  CONSISTING  OF  SONGS,  CHORUSES,  RECITATIONS, 

DIALOGUES,  ETC 
By  NELLIE  E.  CASE. 
m 

§For  fourteen  little  girls,  one  little  boy,  and  chorus.    Costumes  fanciful,  but 
easily  gotten  up.     No  scenery  needed,  though  it  can  be  employed  to  advantage. 
This  cantata  primarily  celebrates  May  Day,  introducing  a  M;ty-]>oie  D.n 
it  is  good  and  not  unsuitable  for  performance  at  any  season.     It  is  published 
yij    complete  with  music,  pretty  and  very  easy.    This  piece  is  theVork  of- an.  expe- 
*ir     ritMiced  teacher,  familiar  with   the  needs  and  limitations. uf,  cliildrejo,  .and  is 
\f/    ,' tiered  with  confidence. 

\ff  Price 25  cents.  . 


THE  PLAYS  OF  HENRIK  IBSEN. 

Edited,  with  Critical  and  Biographical  Introduction, 
by  EDMUND  GOSSE. 


This  series  is  offered  to  meet  a  growing  demand  for  the  plays  of  this  well- 
<il)ust>d;t')d  hotly-discussed  writer,  wh<  >:-•<:•  influence  over  the  contemporary  drama 
is  enormous  even  if  his  vogue  in  the  American  theatre  he  still  regrettably 
small.  These  plays  are  intended  for  the  reading  public,  but  are  recommended 
for  the  use  of  literary  societies  and  reading  clubs,  and  somewhat  diffidently 
suggested  to  dramatic  clubs,  as  providing  unconventional  but  vigorously  acta^ 
ble  material.  As  a  dramatis*  Ibsen  is  absolutely  "  actor-tight,"  and  has  written 
more  successful  parts  and  inspired  more  "  hits"  than  any  of  his  more  popular 
contemporaries.  This  edition  is  printed  in  large,  clear  type,  well  suited  for  the 
use  of  reading  clubs.  The  following  titles  are  ready. 


vfx 


A  DOLUS  HOUSE. 


THE  PILLARS  OF  SOCIETY. 


female  eharacteis. 


A  Pi  TUKKKACTS.    Translated  by  Wn> 

.u.v.v  .'   .<  .IKK.    Three  male,  four  female  char- 
acters, an<i  three  children.       Price,  35  cents. 


A    PLAY    ix    For  R 
Translated      by      "WILLIAM 
AiKJUKr.      Ten    male,    nii;<- 
Price,  25  cents. 


/- •tJ/AC'T'C     [     A    DRAMA  ix    THRKE    ACTS.      Translated    by    \\ 

^JA  iv-'»j  *  •**»   j     Au<  H  u'o  female  characters. 

1  Price,  35  cents. 

ROSMERSHOLM. 


THE  LADY  FROM  THE  SEA. 


A   DRAMA,  ix  FOUR  ACTS.    Translated  by  M. 

*'if.\KL.    Four  male,  two  female  ••! 
teis.  I'rice,  545  <  «>i;ts. 


A  DRAMA  ix  FIVK  Arrs. 
Trai  isla  ted  by  C  LA  il  A  1 
Five    male,    three 

Pri«;e,  35  cents. 


AN  ENEMY  OF  SOCIETY. 


THE  WILD  DUCK. 


THE  YOUNG  MEN'S  LEAGUE. 


ix  female  character:-. 

HEDDA  GABLER.  [ 


A  PLAY  IN  ! 

]S'iae  male,  two  female 

Price,  ^5  • 


A  DRAMA  TV  FIVE  .\<TS.    T: 
M     AVELINO.     Twelve  male,  ' 
characters.  J'i-ire,  X.~,  vents. 


A  PLAY   IN   Ft\ 
Translated     by     i: 

\K1MIF.N.        'l\velv<; 

J'rice,  35  cents. 


A   DRAMA    IK 

Kl.MlN!' 

chant' 


KR     A- 

Three    male. 


Translated    by 


THE  MASTER  BUILDER. 


icters. 


A  PLAY  IN  TIIKKI,  /K-TS.    '! 

i:  and  WIL- 

LIA.M  .\Hinr.R.    Four  male,  three 
Price,  5O  cents. 


